More about kink
See all articles Kink can but does not necessarily mean hardcore pain like most people imagine. Kink is about finding other ways of relating with our bodies, minds, and others. Kink can be soft or intense, kink can bring you into the deeper layers of your mind, kink can make your discover possibilities with your body that you had never thought about before. That is what I am interested in.
What is kink actually? What does BDSM really mean? The word “kink” actually means fetish and a fetish is something specific, sometimes unusual that turns you on such as feet, a soft voice, being tied up, feeling pain or fear, or simply a pair of tights. Those are a few examples, but the list of kinks or fetishes is endless and it is very personal.
BDSM is an acronym that means several things:
- B = Bondage
- DS = Domination/submission
- SM = Sado-masochism
These are all very different things.
- Bondage is a practice, the practice of being tied up.
- Domination/submission or D/s refers to power dynamics that take place consensually between two or more people. Consensually means that all the parties involved in a D/s scene or dynamic agree on the terms: what is ok or not okay to do, when the scene starts and ends, or when the dynamic takes place, and finally when the dynamic stop if boundaries and agreements have been broken, intentionally or not.
- Sado-masochism refers to both sadism: finding pleasure in inflicting pain, and to masochism: finding pleasure in reaching pain.
Everyone is different and can find themselves comfortable in one or several role(s).
There are ways to check each other during a scene to make sure that what is happening is still within the boundaries of what has been agreed on beforehand.
Tools exist for that and are great to use whether we start our BDSM journey or have a lot of experience. In my sessions I use those tools (see below) as well as my experience to determine where we are at and where to go.
One tool that can be used is the “safe word” tool. In my practice I use the color code green/orange/red:
- Green means that all is good, I sometimes use it to check in and it can be said by the submissive to indicate that they are agreeing with what is happening.
- Orange means that something is becoming harder to sustain, physically or mentally. Something needs to change or we need a break from what is happening but the scene continues.
- Red means that the scene needs to stop right away. What is going on is too strong mentally or physically and we need to take care of that, first by stopping the scene, the practice and the power dynamic.
Another tool I often use is the “scale” tool. Using a scale of 1 to 10, from lowest to highest pain I know where we are at in terms of pain level. That is very personal and differs greatly from person to person, not only the pain level where you are at but also the level you wish to reach, outside the requirement of no marking which of course plays a role in how strong I will hit you.