Why it's pointless to ask me to do “what I really like”
While writing my website, something struck me, and I'd like to share it with you. Sometimes certain people who contact me ask me, and I quote, “what I really like,” to do what gives me pleasure.
I understand that this comes from a good place, but there are several things that bother me about this request.
- First, the idea that I would offer practices that I don't enjoy. Obviously, I have different connections and affinities with different practices and fetishes. Some appeal to me particularly, some I also explore in my private life (or even only in my private life), and others only in a paid setting. But in all cases, I freely choose and consent to the practices and fetishes that take place during a session. What I don't like, however, is discovering at the last minute a practice or fetish that is completely different from what was mentioned at the beginning. I understand that certain desires may arise just before the session, but when it comes to known practices that we know we enjoy, or things that are important for our pleasure (e.g., I want a naked Mistress), it is essential to discuss this with me beforehand.
I have my own desires and limits. There are things I will never do, even for a higher sum of money, and there are things I like to do from time to time but not systematically, and in general I don't offer them directly to leave room for my desires at the moment. There are things I do under certain conditions, within the framework of established relationships with certain clients where the bond of trust has been strengthened over the course of the sessions.
So I enjoy all the practices I offer. - Secondly, I find this question rather intrusive. I get the impression that the person is trying to establish a connection that goes beyond the scope of a session, that what we would have would be more “special” than with another client because it would involve practices not mentioned in my list that I would only do with this person. So, I want to make it clear that I form different relationships with each person I meet. Each session is a unique moment during which I immerse myself completely in the Dominant/submissive connection we are experiencing. And rest assured, I take great pleasure in this connection.
- Thirdly, such a request doesn't inspire trust in me in a BDSM setting. During a session, a lot of intense things can happen, emotions, sensations. In order for us to “play” together, it's important to define each person's desires and limits. I know mine. What I don't know before meeting you are yours, your desires, your limits. Telling me to “do what I want” when we don't know each other tells me that you don't really have any idea about what you want and what you like. I know it can be difficult to express certain taboo desires, even to yourself, to realize them and accept that this is what turns you on. I also understand that you can't always know what you like until you have explored it, and that sometimes you have to try certain practices to find out if they're “your thing” or not. I'm used to offering sessions to people who are new to the world of kink, and I prepare step-by-step exploration sessions to try out different things. But I can only do that when it's communicated in advance, when I know that it is what the person is coming for. And in general, what I notice is that someone who tells me to “do whatever I want” with them is either a novice who doesn't admit it to themselves, or someone who is unable to express their deepest fantasies, often out of shame. Some people think that there are “classic” things in Domination, but in kink, by its very nature, few things are classic. Pain or anal sex are not always sought after, and certain touches or words are welcome to one person and hated by another.
In writing this, I would like to emphasize a few points. I know that it is difficult, if not impossible, to talk about sexuality, taboo practices, and BDSM in many contexts, even intimate ones. I have always loved sex and its developments, and I enjoy talking about sexuality, fantasies, and kinky practices. I have made it my profession because it is something I want to share with others, but also because I want to offer spaces where people feel comfortable talking about all of this, exploring their bodies and their desires.
I understand that trust is something that takes time to build in a relationship. However, I believe it is essential to establish a bond of trust from the beginning, to allow ourselves to express a degree of vulnerability about who we are and what we like. Obviously, within the limits of what we are willing to share.
There's a reason why I'm not an authoritarian Mistress in our pre-session exchanges. There is no established relationship of subordination yet. We are defining a space, a playground, and establishing rules so that we both feel confident.
And then, after that, we can finally play.
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